Ask Rosealeen: ‘My Wikipedia page will tell you I once shifted Harry Styles’

She says she’s wet through to her knickers and her feet are gone blue but she’s still holding out hope that she will be back next week. 

So I have to listen to the gowls of Ireland one more week and I still haven’t fully figured out how to type. My wan finger is broke from pucking the blashted keys. 

Anyway, let’s go….what’s wrong with ye for the love of God?!

Rosealeen, help! My normally very calm almost reserved wife has gone cracked ever since the Cork hurlers got into the All-Ireland. 

She went into an arts shop in town and bought four litres of body paint and she’s after painting herself red and white and is running around the place stark naked, painted all over and roaring ‘do anyone have a ticket for the match?’. 

Cobh hasn’t seen this much running since Sonia O’ Sullivan in her heyday. The worst thing is, she climbs into the bed at night and the sheets are destroyed so I suppose what I am asking you is… How do you get red and white body paint out of our Egyptian cotton sheets and also any chance you’d have a ticket for the match?

— Patrick, Cobh

The best thing now that you could do is take your wife lovingly in your arms and rub her up and down and all over that sheet. Then strip the sheet off the bed and bring it up outside Croke Park on the day of the match.

Use it as a kind of a giant flag, get herself to jiggle up and down in front of it in all her glory and then when everyone is distracted by her and your big flag, take off running into the stadium and no one will notice a bit. HON CORK!

Rosealeen, I saw one of those medical influencery type doctors on TikTok the other day saying that they had found a cure for piles. 

Apparently if you fill a basin with water, four leeks and a small radish and sit out in it under the light of the moon and wait until dawn breaks and then wipe yourself with a €10 note, your piles will be gone and you will smell of vegetable soup. 

I mean it has to be true because someone on TikTok said it. I was wondering do you think it would be possible to use a stalk of rhubarb instead as leeks are gone very expensive and I have a lovely batch of rhubarb growing out me back. What are your thoughts?

— Jean, Little Island

Well Jean, if you have rhubarb growing out your back then piles are the least of your worries. I’d say now your best bet would be to uninstall the ould TikTok from your phone and have a chat with an ould local GP. 

Did no one ever tell you not to believe everything you see online? Look up my Wikipedia page and it will tell you that I once shifted Harry Styles and Maya Jama credits me as her fashion inspo. 

The internet is full of lies, throw on an ould icepack for yourself and stop being a gom!

Well Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, Berna here. I wonder could you help me please? 

My eyes are bleeding from reading pure and utter scutter in the paper the past two weeks. This wan with pure notions thinks she knows it all and is walking around Ballydesmond with a laptop no less and declaring that she is now a writer of all things.

Who does she think she is, Mark bloody Twain? The only thing I have ever seen her write is raunchy WhatsApps into the local Men’s Shed WhatsApp group. 

How she got added to that group we will never know though there was some talk that she had inspected quite a few tools over in that particular shed. 

Anyway tell me, when will Audrey be back so I can finally buy the paper again? Is there anything worse than a bit of power? It goes straight to their heads.

— Berna Ballydesmond (clearly talking about you ya gowl)

Well Berna, how delightful as always to hear from you and delighted that you got someone to help you with that little paragraph as it was all spelled correctly for once. 

If I was you now (and thank God I am not) what I would do is pop on down to the local shop there in Ballydesmond and ask them do they sell any sour grapes. 

I would then purchase a bunch of them and I would suggest that your try shoving them up your arse to see if they would knock any of the venom out of you. 

Failing that, I would suggest that you take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and wonder why it is that you are such a jealous ould cow. MOOOOOO says you. 

Goodbye and God bless Berna it must be very hard having a talented writer for a best friend when you can barely hold a biro.