You Know I’m Right: Continue to suffer through golf or take up pickleball?

My regular readers (both of them) know that my loving wife of some forty years (MLWOS40yrs) and I took up golf in the waning stages of the COVID-19 pandemic after noting the beginning symptoms of Cabin Feaver, an even more deadly disease. Caused by involuntary confinement with another person or persons, this disease can cause homicidal thoughts beyond what takes place in any normal marriage. Taking up golf seemed a logical response to both threats.

I am not sure in retrospect that the cure is not worse than the disease. The more I play, the more mentally difficult it is to go out on the links. Strangely, I can not seem to resist. A perfect game for me is to not lose a club, not lose any golf balls, and not have to take a “Mulligan.” A Mulligan, for those of you not familiar with golf lingo, is when, after a bad shot, you take an unauthorized second attempt. For example, if when striking the ball on the initial drive on the first tee, it inexplicably and in defiance of the laws of physics takes off at a 90 degree angle, there is a temptation if not the necessity of redoing the shot. The correct solution is to take a “penalty stroke.” However, this may well result in an unacceptably high score if it happens more than once, which in my case it will. You can understand the dilemma.

Lost golf balls are a regular part of my game. If I see any sort of hazard in front of me which could be a pond, a ravine, a bunch of dried grass, or a sand trap, my ball is inevitably driven into it. I use a distinctive yellow and black patterned ball ($45 a box) to avoid accidentally playing another person’s ball. Why hitting a fellow player’s ball would cause him to overreact in such a manner as to cause law enforcement to be notified is beyond me, but I try not to let it happen. A ball in the sand is not lost. It just requires four, maybe five swings to get it out. But if a ball goes into the water in South Carolina, the smart move is to let the gators have it. So I do. Finally, I have a notorious slice which means my ball veers sharply to the right after leaving the tee. To correct this, I aim to the left. Strangely, this often causes the ball to actually go to the left out of bounds where the ball can not be found. (The rules say you can look for a lost ball for no more than three minutes. I don’t bother.) The bottom line is that I have never had a game with no lost balls, clubs, or second whacks. Not so with MLWOS40yrs.

The little woman refuses to be cowed by golf and is getting better and better which does not help my attitude. I am at a crisis point here. I either have to stay with golf and continue to suffer or take up pickleball. Pickleball is graduate level ping pong. You need a graduate degree to figure out the scoring. Unlike in ping pong, the ball is large and lethal. My coach tells me to aim for the head of my opponents. I do but miss. My opponent aims and hits. Now it is like dodge ball. At least in golf, someone yells “fore” before they hit you with the ball. MLWOS40yrs also plays pickleball. She is good at that too. You know I’m right.

Don R. Haven is a retired Naval Officer and retired high school teacher, who splits time between Granville and South Carolina. He can be reached at 740-504-8793 and donrichardhaven@gmail.com.

This article originally appeared on Newark Advocate: You Know I’m Right: Suffer through golf or take up pickleball?