Dear Dáithí: ‘My wife and son are at war, and I’m caught in the middle’

My son has always been the type to do things his own way, something I rather admired but caused much friction during his teen years with the rest of the family.

We had him later in life, he was a surprise blessing. He lives a rather unconventional lifestyle and at a recent family birthday party (my wife’s 70th) he announced that he is never intends to marry, or get a mortgage, or have children, he said a life like ours would be like “a living death”. 

He said it in a jokey way but my wife was furious. My son is highly intelligent and makes a very good living as a freelance creative, he travels a lot, and I know he has had both boyfriends and girlfriends.

He is one of my favourite people to sit down and have a real conversation with. My wife feels he deliberately antagonises her with his lifestyle choices and deliberately embarrassed her in front of all her family.

She has told him he is not welcome in our house. I don’t seem to get a say in this, what should I do? 

My wife is not known for changing her mind once she has made a decision. I don’t have the heart to argue with her, we both have had health problems this year, and I don’t want to upset her. 

Live and let live has always been my motto, why can’t she be more understanding of our son?

This might be one of the toughest problems yet, you often hear mother and daughter and father and son falling out, but Irish mammies and their boys, it can be rare enough. Here we are though and as always, we’ll get around this problem like every other by keeping a cool head and leading by example. 

You really are caught in the middle here and I think you have to divide and conquer; you need to chat to your son and then your wife — and at the right time, it’s the three of you drawing a line in the sand and moving forward.

It might be hard to believe at this moment in time that your son was and still a blessing, and it’s important to remember that, even I’m finding it hard to see it with the way he’s acting. I’d hang my head in shame if I ever thought I could be like that. His behaviour is appalling. He is coming across like a spoiled brat if you do not mind me saying so.

But what is behind this behaviour and why is he acting like this? You have been very good parents and given him everything he has ever wanted. He is highly intelligent, so what’s up? Only one way to say this and going on the information I have in your letter; I think he might be struggling with his sexuality.

In your letter you said you know he has had both boyfriends and girlfriends, maybe he doesn’t know which one he likes or even both, who knows. It’s what he is not saying to you is what is really being screamed out at me. He said in a jokey way that a life like yours with mortgage and marriage, etc ,would be like death. What he is really saying there is that that’s your life and I am very different and don’t want any of that.

This isn’t an attack on what you have with your wife, it’s him saying that he’s going to live a different life and doesn’t really know how to communicate this with you, and this is what happened. This is his way of doing it.

I think your son is really bothered by what going on with his life and he doesn’t realise what effect it’s having on you and especially your wife. If would be unfair to say that your son is being very self-centred here even though that’s what it looks like. Now we are in a bit of luck because ‘he is one of your favourite people to have a real conversation with’. That’s good because that’s exactly what must happen. I would discuss what I’ve mentioned above and have a real heart to heart with him. This is key to this whole thing working out because the results of this is what will get mom on board even though at this point the lady is not for turning.

You need to be blunt and straight with him about what this has done to the family and when the fog has cleared and when he hears that his actions have ‘antagonised’ his mother and that at the moment he is not welcome in the house, it should wake him up. He needs to know too that you and your wife are unwell. He might not know this. What you have done here is be very open and understanding with him, but also there are consequences to his actions, but you are still and will be always here for him. He must know that it is very important.

That is the biggest part of this I think because when you are going to your wife with answers to why your son has been acting like this, I think she’ll understand and I know you say that she doesn’t change her mind, but this time she’ll have to. You have only one son who might be going through a lot and he needs your help. Your live and let live motto has to be parked for a while until this is sorted.

The bottom line here is that your son is going to live his life and that is great, it really is. He just doesn’t have to take out what’s happening in his life out on anyone. He took it out on you because you mean the most to him.

Before I go, well done to you. You seem like a great husband and a brilliant dad. It’s hard to be the person keeping it all together. You are a true leader, and we need more people like you in this world.

I hope you at least got something nice for Father’s Day, I’d imagine this being sorted would be the best present of all.

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