‘I slept with the light on … my hair fell out’ says woman after harassment from ex partner

She was speaking to the Irish Examiner after her Martin Ryan of 92 Clonmore, Ballyviniter, Mallow, Co Cork, appeared at Cork District Court for sentencing on Thursday, after pleading guilty to harassing her by sending her nine texts, 28 emails, nine letters, and a bunch of flowers from February 25 to November 18, 2020.

Judge Mary Dorgan directed him to pay €500 to the court poor box and a further €500 through the gardaí for the victim, and on that being done he would be given the benefit of a dismissal under the Probation of Offenders Act.

“The probation service were of the view that the communication was persistent and unwanted and it caused her upset and anxiety,” the judge said. 

“He did not recognise it was causing harm to the victim at the time. He accepts fully the behaviour was not acceptable.” 

The judge also said that the victim impact statement put forward by his former girlfriend was “difficult to read”.

“It shows that the matters very grievously affected her… There is no doubt that this had a very negative effect on the lady,” she added.

“I remember how powerless I felt when it was happening and thinking that it appeared that Martin had absolutely no fear of any repercussions,” the woman, who does not want to be identified, told the Irish Examiner. 

“Even after I firmly asked him to stop.” 

She said the communication was constant and that he regularly painted himself “as such a nice, helpful guy”.

She said the communication was occurring during the covid lockdown and “they were so frequent, I’d just almost gotten used to it and nobody else would see the majority of these messages so in a sense he had some control because it was just him and me”.

“It made me fear what else is he capable of. I genuinely feared for my life,” she added.

“I slept with the light on. I’d check my car to see if I’m being followed. I stopped eating. I was afraid that every time someone reached out to my business page (on social media) that it could be him. I made my business page private because Martin would repeatedly refer to what I was doing on my business page even after he knew I was blocking him and wanted him to stop.

“The harassment forced me to stop using my Facebook business page because there was no way to make it private,” she added.

“It caused me to make my business Instagram page private so it’s capacity to grow was limited.

My hair fell out, I slept with the light on, lost a lot of weight from stress.”

She said it continued until “I began to worry he’d eventually harass my children, if they became teens and had social media”.

She was slow to look for help until her friends and her therapist urged her to take action. She recalled being reticent because she feared doing so would impact on Ryan’s employment. 

However, she said: “My empathy was misplaced. I think women can put up with a lot but when they think of it happening to their children, they draw the line.” In court, Judge Dorgan said Ryan was accepting responsibility and has “demonstrated insight”.

She said he has availed of counselling support.

“He has not made contact with the victim since November 2020,” the judge added.

“He is now 51 years. He has established strategies to regulate his emotions. And he is a low risk of reoffending.” 

Ryan’s victim urged others to get help and support as early as they can, either from organisations working with abuse victims, or other people who have been through a similar experience.

“Don’t minimise the effect if the content isn’t violent or threatening,” the woman said.

“I think victims worry they won’t be supported because the words are often not abusive or threatening, but harassment is threatening as you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t respect boundaries; who doesn’t accept no and that is dangerous.

“If you feel fobbed off by the guards, insist on making a statement,” she added. “Don’t leave the station without making a written statement. I was lucky because the detective listened to me.”