Organization Promotes Social Connection

JOHN WHYTE

Welcome, everyone. I’m Dr. John Whyte, the chief medical officer at WebMD. There’s a lot of things that impact our health, and we talk about them quite a bit at WebMD, in terms of lifestyle issues, in terms of the environment, how diseases progress and develop. But we’re also starting to learn about the role of some other aspects, such as loneliness, disagreements with people in our communities.

My guest today says we need to focus on how we all come together. He’s the CEO of Beyond Us and Them, Jared Seide. Jared, thanks for joining me today.

JARED SEIDE

It’s great to be with you. Thanks so much for doing this. I really appreciate it.

JOHN WHYTE

Now, some folks may not be aware of your organization. So can you tell us a little bit about what you do and why you do it.

JARED SEIDE

Absolutely. Beyond Us and Them is a nonprofit organization that creates structures of belonging in a variety of organizations and communities to foster social connection and well-being. We create programs and we deliver trainings that resource individuals and organizations in self-awareness, in self-regulation, effective communication, and relational skills, which we believe are the conditions necessary for compassion to arise in community.

You can’t really teach compassion, but compassion is made up of noncompassion elements that are trainable. We utilize this practice of council, which is essentially bringing folks together respectfully to listen with curiosity as opposed to judgment and to share authentic stories. And that council huddle is sort of the hallmark of all of our programs. And I think it’s really the key to the impact we’re seeing and also the sustainability.

JOHN WHYTE

Why is it so hard to bring people together nowadays? Is it the impact of social media, where the algorithms promote you listening to the same voices as yourself? Is it a lack of respect that’s going on in society for disparate viewpoints? What are some of the causes here?

JARED SEIDE

Yeah, I think you’ve really put your finger on it. I think that there is increasing understanding that we are really experiencing an epidemic of disconnection and isolation. I think that we are a solutions-based organization that looks at how we change the situation because we realize that it is a critical one.

Human beings are wired for social connection, and we become more and more isolated. Social media plays a big role in that. The political discourse does as well. And I think we’ve lost sight of the fact that social connection is as essential to our health and long-term survival as food and water.

Loneliness and isolation are rampant. It’s become a major public health concern. The surgeon general has released an advisory last year that calls out this social isolation and loneliness situation as an epidemic affecting 50% to 60% of Americans.

JOHN WHYTE

Tell us what your organization is doing about loneliness. And also that you’re focusing on some individuals that many people have ignored, such as those that have been incarcerated, those some of what people would consider fringes of society. What are you doing to address it?

JARED SEIDE

I think the key is bringing folks together in a structure that is unfamiliar in our culture, but has been part of cultures throughout time. When you talk about the sort of opportunity to gather together and just bear witness and to offer regard, it feels unusual, and it’s something that needs to be created.

So we create these structures of belonging so as to promote social connection and resilience. Our mission specifically is to train law enforcement officers, health care providers, educators, policymakers, community-based organizations, and incarcerated populations.

JOHN WHYTE

You often mention it’s about promoting dialogue. You even mentioned the word “reconciliation,” which is sometimes necessary when we have these disagreements. What are some tips and tools that you can share with viewers that they might be able to incorporate into their life today? Recognizing that none of this is simple, but we need to start making more of an effort because the issue of loneliness just doesn’t impact our social calendar. It impacts our physical health, our mental health, it impacts society’s health.

These issues of disagreement in terms of stress and anger also have an impact on our health. So if we can utilize certain tools, certain resources, that would be helpful, even if it’s incremental.

JARED SEIDE

I do believe we need a container. And I believe that we can look at cultures where this has been more effective, where folks have not felt so isolated and lonely. And it is usually a practice. We call it council, it’s called ibitaramo in Rwanda, and fambul tok in Sierra Leone, and diwan and loya jirga in Islamic cultures. There is a name for this in every culture. And we have not prioritized the importance of these structures of belonging enough.

We can put them into our schools, we can put them into the prisons, we can put them into the police precinct after roll call, as we have done with increasing numbers of law enforcement. Where the invitation is to show up and sit down, and regard the others there without judgment. To listen to understand, to listen to open your heart, and not to agree or disagree. And at the same time, to have the courage to speak of something about your life.

And when this is facilitated skillfully, folks surprise themselves. It is an act of courage to be vulnerable with one another. But the vulnerability might be as simple as to tell a story about something that made you laugh, or cracked you up, or a superpower you wanted to have as a kid, or a time you had a crush on somebody.

When people start telling their authentic story, you can’t disagree or agree. You just either listen or you don’t because it’s their story. And you begin to see that the courage to share in that way sort of evokes in others a courage as well. This vulnerability leads to trust. Sometimes we get it backwards. We think that you need to trust people to be vulnerable. But if skillfully handled in these structures of belonging, the act of telling our story and recognizing commonality actually builds trust and relationship.

And that kind of enacting of social connection is a critical step we must take, because we’re moving in a direction, as you say, it’s not just emotional and mental health, it’s our physical health is suffering to the extent that some people will equate smoking 15 cigarettes a day with the kind of ill effects of lack of social connection. We need to create this in our lives and we need structures to do it.

JOHN WHYTE

Tell us how this huddle would work on a practical level. For folks that may not be able to participate in your program or are trying to learn more, what’s the basic concept here that that’s in motion?

JARED SEIDE

You need a circle. You need to be able to come together and sit down for a certain amount of time. You need something that is unifying, something that represents our kind of common goals to make the world a better place. And then you need to make an agreement to speak authentically, to tell your own story, when it’s your turn to speak. And when it’s not your turn, to listen without judgment. And simply shifting from the way we normally speak and listen to one another, judgmentally with agenda, to try to seduce or to determine, to analyze.

JOHN WHYTE

How can people learn more about you and what you do?

JARED SEIDE

The organization, as I mentioned, is called Beyond Us and Them, and the website is beyondusandthem.org. So we’re moving throughout the country pretty rapidly, and excited to share what this very simple, but as you say, it’s not easy to do this, but it’s a simple process, and it’s evidence-based now.

So we’d love for folks to read about it, ask questions, contact us, and see how that might be a fit with their community, with their organization, or school system. And the basic understanding that we can’t do nothing. It’s critically important that we find ways to enact social connection for our individual health and for the health of the nation.

JOHN WHYTE

Well, Jared Seide, I want to thank you for taking time today, as well as the work that you’re doing to really bring communities together. So I appreciate your time today.

JARED SEIDE

Thank you so much. I appreciate your time.

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