“Hey, I’m OK. What happened?”
“Jesus, you scared me. You passed out, just collapsed right here. I didn’t know what to do.”
Her head was pounding. She slowly rose to her feet, leaning on Francis for support.
“This didn’t fix anything, let’s just go back.”
“Francis, I’m fine. Let’s go.”
In a surge he threw his arms around her.
“Just stay here with me.”
Reluctantly, she sank into his embrace. They sat there for a moment – eyes closed, trying to distract themselves by tuning in to the noises around them. This was harder for Clara of course, she had so much pressing down on her.
Sensing her tensity, Francis slowly reached out for her hand. She took it, and squeezed it hard. Nearby cars, people laughing outside a nearby pub, whooshing seagulls flying overhead in the direction of the beach. It all clouded their worries, even if only briefly. Identifying with all this life around them seemed to be enough to keep them bound to the present. Then, like a bullet from a gun, Clara shot up.
“Wait, Clar’, don’t you think we should take it easy? You said yourself that you’re still getting used to this power?”
She looked down at him, concern spread over her face.
“If we don’t do this, we could lose everything. I don’t know about you, but something inexplicable inside of me needs to know I tried everything, that maybe I did one thing right…”
He could see how much this meant to her, and even without admitting it meant the same to him, it was obvious she could sense it.
Before he could answer, she was already up and making her way back towards the bus stop towards Dublin. Once she was focused on something there was no getting through to her. He had no choice but to follow her into the unknown.
It weighed on Francis what could have been going through Clara’s mind at this point. He wondered about the emotional and physical toll this could be taking on her… He tried not to push but he wanted to ask her about it. He couldn’t help but think to himself how hard it must be to keep track of which realities were ‘real’ and which were fragments of a previously lived past.
Once back in their present bodies in Dublin she asked: “You know where we have to go now don’t you?”
His hands dropped to his sides.
“I know I messed up. I’m not perfect. But please don’t do this. We don’t have to go back to that day to understand what I did was wrong.”
The last thing he wanted was to be reminded of one of the biggest messes he had made. If he wanted Clara’s forgiveness, she was never going to give it to him after reliving the events of that night. As soon as the thought came to mind, guilt washed over him. This wasn’t about forgiveness, this was about healing and understanding. He had to do it.
“I’ll go back with you on one condition. You explain the consequences of your power to me. I can see what this is doing to you and I won’t be a part of something so reckless if I cannot understand it.”
It was clear from her crestfallen look, this was the last thing she wanted to talk about. Nevertheless, if she wanted complete dedication from Francis in this endeavour, she needed to return the favour.
She nodded to a bench on the other side of the road facing the gallery. It was ironic how a day that involved being so observant left them feeling completely detached from all around them. Clara took a deep breath and began to explain.
“So, you know about my aunt, and how she died. She didn’t just go back once or twice… she had been time jumping to that day for years over and over and over again. Apparently, her health had been decreasing at a rapid rate for a long time, but since living on her own, no-one was checking up on her regularly. Mam felt so guilty about it and made me promise I would never abuse my power in fear the same would happen to me. I intended on keeping that promise until I bumped into you by accident on that train. I had the idea that if I could gain the courage to confess all this to you and convince you to relive these moments with me, we could change our past, have a better future together.”
As Francis focused on her words, he noticed she was beginning to well up again. He moved in closer without saying anything, not wanting to interrupt.
“I’m sorry I dragged you into this. It hard to explain why this was so important to me other than the fact I loved you and I wanted better for us. I really thought we deserved better.”
Not being able to bear it anymore he held out his arms, letting her fall into his chest.
“Clara, you are the strongest person I know. I have cared so deeply for you for so long, it took a lot of time to get used to not having you around anymore. No matter what happens by the end of today, I am just grateful that we had this time together… no pun intended.”
That last part made her chuckle.
He was of two minds, preventing Clara from doing any long term damage to herself or giving her what she wanted. The latter always appealed to him but this time it was not without restraint.
“You promise this is the last time? And then that’s it, you’re done for good?”
She lifted her arm in front of him.
“Pinky promise.”
A wary smile appeared on his face as they interlocked their little fingers. There was a lot at stake here, this particular night was one of his biggest regrets. He wasn’t just unfair to her, he had been cruel. Going back was going to be hard, but not as hard as losing her.
